Butterflies & Bruises

Acceptance

2004-12-08T23:29:00.000-05:00

Comments/Correspondence to:
sunfoof
(C) MMIV

I'm really struggling with this right now. I find it very difficult to accept who I am and where I'm at in terms of learning how to be the best me I can be. I know I can't ask, "Why," because there are too many myriad answers to this question. I do want to know what it is that I'm stuck on. It seems like some people have no problem with this concept of acceptance. I find envy when I think of that. I'm in a dangerous spot in my thinking because I'm teetering on the brink of a downward spiral.

Since about 9:00 am I thought I was in a good place in my learning to be me. By 11:00 pm I was made fully aware that I'm not exactly where someone I care for deeply perceives I can be. I want to be there so badly it hurts. And it hurts to be reminded of how much farther I must go to be there. I know there's a better Me deep down inside, but I spent many years covering that Me up. I can be aware that it'll take time to uncover that Me, but it doens't change the fact that I want to be that better Me right now.

That's the essence of acceptance, maybe. I say maybe because I'm finding out that I really don't know jack about the world I live in. I feel so far behind. Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I'll never catch up. It makes me want to feel like it's not even worth trying. It makes me want to give up. But I've come too far to give up now. But then again, what's it worth? I made so much of what so many people who care about me say is progress, then receive a supposedly well-intended appraisal of my ability to be a caring friend. Now I question whether I've really made any progress at all.

Now, I know that my friend didn't mean for all of these thoughts to spawn this cascade into the depths of my self-pity. But for right now, that's exactly how I feel. Goddamnit! All I've done for the last 20 years is to let people down, to let myself down. I thought that I was really making headway with progressing from those awful, destructive behaviors. Now, I don't know. After talking I can't shake this feeling of failure. I will pray on it and sleep on it. I will surrender these feelings of doom and gloom to my Higher Power. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it.

Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now.

I need Your Love because I'm not loving myself right now. I am afraid. I didn't mean to hurt anybody, I really didn't. I feel like I'm doing the best I can. But I cannot handle feeling like this right now. I do not want to lose what I have. I do not want to lose myself again. I know she didn't mean it to hurt me like this but I can't stop crying. Please take my pain away...I don't know what to do and I hurt so badly. I didn't mean to let her down, I really didn't. God, I'm trying. It's not that I don't care. Maybe I cared too much.

To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds

Will

2004-11-18T19:34:00.000-05:00

Comments/Correspondence to:
sunfoof
(C) MMIV

The easiest lesson about Will is the hardest to learn because it is another lesson that cannot be taught. In no uncertain terms, my own Will has been the root of my pending demise since the day I first believed in it. Do not mistake my words, it is not wrong for me to believe in my own Will. It is wrong to believe that my Will prevails over the environment I exist in. Any thought like that requires the essential, "Mwahahaha," insane laugh of utter dominion behind it.

I am slowly learning how to turn out my Will. I'm not so much turning it out against itself, rather turning it out to the light of Reason. I guess what I mean is, I'm sharing some of these (formerly) inner thoughts and beliefs with other positively-oriented people around me. My most recent experiences are showing me that people other than my Mom do care about me. The ironic thing is, they actually choose to care about me! Out of all the other things these people could care about, and they choose to care about me. When did I become somebody worth caring about?

Apparently, I've been worthy of this caring treatment my whole life, I was just refusing to be aware of it. Chalk it up to stubborness, whatever, I just cannot recall a time in the past 20 years when I actually recognized I was truly worth it. Again, don't get me wrong. There have been times when I 've imagined that I was "care-able". [Ed.- I didn't want to take the time to find a word that meant "care-able".] But I've already admitted to the fallibility of my imagination.

I think what might have happened, at least for me, was that by thinking so lowly of myself I began to rely more and more on this shaky belief in my prevalence of Will. By doing this, I weakened my spiritual contact with the Universal Will which actually knows what is best for me. It's not that the UW stopped trying to get its message across, it's just that my own Will had sent up a wall of interference so it couldn't get through with as much signal. So I was hearing less of the UW's plans for me. And boyoboy did I ever lead myself astray!

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that everything's perfect now. I am still struggling to let go of my Will. I realize that's normal, especially for very willful people, but it's also very frustrating. Heck, I didn't know that I was so willful. It almost doesn't seem to add up: low self-esteem and high willpower. It definitely didn't add up in my favor most of the time. The high, misguided energy of low self-esteem can sure send well-intentioned willpower way off course.

More and more, I am beginning to see tendrils of hope, like new growth in a garden in the Spring. I am being shown that by lowering my resistance to the UW, I can have faith that the UW's plans for me are to my benefit, for my highest good. Though I still struggle with it today, I don't think I'm a freak for doing so. I realize that many people struggle with their Will versus UW. I realize that I'm not as absolutely unique as I thought. You don't realize how comforting that is.

Thanks for reading. Namaste.

To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds

Truth

2004-10-06T01:20:00.000-04:00

Comments/Correspondence to:
sunfoof
(C) MMIV

Truth is a funny thing. I think the most amazing thing about truth is that it usually happens when you least expect it, or when you have least prepared or planned for it, or when it comes from a direction you could not have possibly imagined. I am pretty sure that most of you, who have thought seriously about truth, have already come to this conclusion.

Another thing I realized about truth is that I am definitely not privy to some sort of truth that the rest of you don't know about. I used to think this. I used to believe that the truth I thought I saw in my mind was so different than the truth I witnessed around me. I won't berate myself too much for this misinformation, but I do wish I had seen this so clearly at a much earlier time in my life. Truth.

"If I knew then what I know now." How many times have we heard that haunting refrain before? Oh my God I thought I would strangle the next person I heard say that, when I was 18 or so. Now it is on my mind so much sometimes I think I might strangle my self. [Editor: Note the spacing in "my self;" author is no longer suicidal.] But sadly, it's so true. Truth.

Actually, if I had known then what I know now, the magnitude of the mistakes I could possibly make is so great, it's mind-boggling. The truth there is that we know what we're supposed to know when we're supposed to know it, and not a moment sooner. Tough s**t, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. There is another truth: we know what we're supposed to know for a specific reason, likely only for that reason alone, and we aren't supposed to know why we know something until the time comes for us to reveal what we know. This I know. Truth.

Hmmm. I think I just heard the world mutter, "Duh!" Or was it you all?!? Either way, call me late for this E-ticket ride on the "Train of Truth," but don't call me late for dinner. And don't call me Shirley, either.

Well, I've been hung up about the truth of my diagnosis for the better part of a decade and I just simply must get over it already. I've been so afraid of letting people know "the real me" that I've kept this "dirty little secret" tucked away in my favorite mortuary of personal revelation ever since I've received the knowledge. The day I received diagnosis I felt like the most depraved, felonious convict as had ever existed. From that moment on, I assumed many things, mostly false of course, and I proceeded to drive myself to the brink of extinction for the next ten years. Truth.

Where did I get such a skewed perspective about this disorder, anyway? I certainly cannot accept it as a truth, logical or otherwise. Was I force-fed these erroneous conclusions, or did I just delude them up all by myself? [Editor: "Myself."] In either case, or from whatever etiology, I am glad to be able to, today, begin shedding my baggage. It's been a long time coming, but I can finally feel the vestiges of my "Decade of Dearth" slipping away. I am feeling an emergent freedom beginning to envelop me in its warmth with womb-like familiarity. Truth.

You know what I have to call this feeling? I have to call it coming home, really. I am coming back to myself after having stepped outside of my self so long ago. I am no longer being the snake that eats itself, but am becoming merely the dog that chases his own tail. I think that's much more appetizing, proverbially. It is a much more comfortable place to be, too. It's alot easier to be yourself if you're not trying to destroy yourself. It's also amazing how crowded that lonely road can be.

I trusted someone with my truth today, the truth of my self as I've come to inter it. It was ironic that I made so much of a big deal of it, as it turns out. Apparently, as I had come close to outing myself during a conversation, my subconscious (or super-, really) decided that close wasn't close enough. My self shared with this person a piece of paper that had nothing to do with my little secret, or so I believed. Turns out that this particular piece of paper had my diagnosis written on it. So my friend, in reading the paper for a totally different reason, had advertently read about my diagnosis - AND I HAD NO IDEA!

Well, tonight I hemmed and hawed all around the subject, not consciously knowing why I felt it was so important that I reveal my self tonight. Man, it felt like I was mentally trying to birth a 20lb baby! All that strife and struggle and the truth was already in my friend's hands and heart. Apparently, God had already decided that this person was someone that I could truly trust to not subject me to ridicule, defamation, or otherwise demoralize my self. Truth.

For this experience I am eternally grateful, for the first and foremost reason that the truth is now undoubtedly known about me, between my friend and myself. There is a fresh sense of freedom that I almost don't know how to contain. I am starting to see my self (and myself) in a much different way! And in this way, at least for today, I can look at myself in the mirror and say these words:

I like myself, I love myself, I accept myself, and I respect myself.

I don't ever want that to change again, not ever, no-sir-ee Bob! Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for reading. Namaste

To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds

Been a while...Sunday Thoughts

2004-09-19T23:30:00.000-04:00

Comments/Correspondence to:
sunfoof
(C) MMIV

"SUNDAY"

Life is two times hard and today is all-out bangin'.
Feelin' like my sorry ass is ready to be hangin'.
I been swung at from the left,
I been swung at from the right,
I been swung at from the middle,
And I think I've lost my sight.

But I listen to Big Papa,
Sittin' way up in the sky.
And I find out pretty quick,
That He wants to fix my "I".
Homey knows that I ain't playin',
'Cuz He made this livin' tough.
And I know He knows I manage,
'Cuz He made me strong enough.

So now that I done wrote it out,
And left myself expressed.
I'm feelin' light and clean again,
'Cuz I got shit off my chest.
.sds.20040919.

To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds

Connection

2004-05-06T01:52:00.000-04:00

Comments/Correspondence to:
sunfoof
(C) MMIV

I've been real busy trying to find a job because it's time for me to start working again. I want to post an excerpt from an email I sent to a new Net-friend I met through this blog. He's been having a hard time lately coming back from a manic episode. I really feel for him right now because I know how hard that can be. And I'm sure that most of the other readers of this blog can relate, too. I'd like to ask you all to send your best energy as far out across the globe as you can manage so that it can reach my friend. I know it will get there because it will be guided to the right place. I appreciate your time. This is for you, and you know who you are.

"I wish I could be there to help you through the hard times. I remember them too, too well myself. If this is your second episode, I'm sure that Mr Reason is telling you that this crappy time will pass. But if I know you at all, I know that Mr Logic is telling you that it's never going to happen. But you know, sometimes he's a liar... thanks, Violent Femmes. It will pass. Make room on the road to let it pass, otherwise it will have trouble getting by. The down times (I call it The Shit) is like a huge tractor-trailer on a very narrow road. This truck is full of Shit, it feels like Shit, it even smells and tastes like Shit in the air around it. But, contrary to common speculation, our job in a time like this is not to try and speed away in front of the truck. We've done all the speeding we need to for a while. Our motors are fairly well burnt-up and overdrawn. We're not capable of speeding away in front of the truck right now. That's OK. Tell yourself that right now, alright? Do it. I'm waiting.

"Now. Our job in a time like this is to slow down. Heck, it's all we can do anyway. Slow down and take a good look around. Forget about that truck. Move to the side of the road and let it pass on by, taking all of it's Shit with it. Heck, why not get out of your car and walk about a bit? You've got plenty of time. Look down. See that? There's something moving on the ground. Right there! See it? It looks like an ant with a load on its back. I wonder where it's going. Who knows, right? I guess the ant knows. It's not thinking about where it's going, though. How can it possibly know? I mean, look at it traipsing around there...first this way and now that way. It's a wonder the queen of his mound ever gets a bite to eat with all the meandering he's doing. Why isn't he in line with all of those ants over there? I mean, there's hundreds of them! Don't his little ant ears hear all the racket they're making? Why doesn't he just go back over there? It's obviously the way to the mound and the queen. Well, there's the mound over there - about 10 feet away. I wonder how far that is in ant-miles? I wonder how heavy his load is in ant-pounds? Geez, he's doing alot of extra work to get his load delivered. All he knows is that his load is heavy and it has a destination. He knows that the load will get there. He knows that he will find his way back. He always did before, so it's no different this time. He knows that he will get his job done, though he's having a hard time right now finding his way.

"I feel better knowing that the ant will get there. So now, stand back up and look around again. It seems like the air is fresher now. There's no traffic on the road. That's good. Now you can get back into your car and keep going, with the windows down, even. That truckful of Shit is on its way to Who-cares-where and it's way out of sight. Get back on the road and continue where you're going. I know that you'll get there. I know that you'll find your way back. You always did before, so it's no different this time. I know that you will get your job done, though you're having a hard time right now finding the way. I know you will, it's in you're nature and you're too stubborn to quit trying. Right? I thought so.

"I want to tell you how your email made me feel. It made me feel like I had finally started to do something that meant something. I'm 34 and work in a hospital and, even though I feel good when I do my job, I've never felt like I did when I got your post. I'm glad that you found the blog. I had envisioned it as a lighthouse on the cold, dark sea of manic-depression. I wanted it to be a beacon for we bipolars, signaling a safe harbor that we can call our own. The bipolar sea is ours only, and our boats are sturdy because of their apparent frailty. When you posted me, I felt like another boat was signaling back that it was there, under power, and on its way in to port. It was good to know that I had connected, that the light was serving its purpose. Thank you."

Thanks for reading, and thanks so much for the emails. Like I said, please specify "blog," "bipolar," "Butterflies and Bruises," or something like that in the subject line so I'll recognize it from spam. I appreciate your time. Namaste.

To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds

Motivation

2004-04-20T01:41:00.000-04:00

Comments/Correspondence to:
sunfoof
(C) MMIV

I think that one of the toughest challenges facing me, as a bipolar, is motivation. Knowing what it is I need to do is not so much the problem. The problem surfaces in the transition from knowing such things to actually doing them. I can listen to - and do, in fact - listen to the timeless liturgy of a famous shoemaker to, "Just do it!" I would, if I could, more often but something in me stops myself before I even reach for the door. Meantime, opportunity gets bloody knuckles from trying to get my self out in the hall. Other "helpful" phrases like, "The world is your oyster," and so on, frustrate me because the little voice in my head effectively counters that not all oysters actually produce pearls. I recognize that by not trying any of the oysters I will never find my pearl, but that damned little voice is real effective at slicing a good gash or two in my sails to let the wind out.

I don't think that I can actually attribute all of this to the disease, I realize that. But I do think that some of the synaptic disruption inherent in my mind exacerbates my natural reluction and reticence. There are some days that I pine for the warming confidence of the manic state. It is such a decent feeling, knowing that no one in Creation can sway me from my goals, as disturbed as they might be. Medicated, I also recognize that in-bred danger of the manic state, as noted - some of the goals are much less than self-promoting, though usually no less self-serving. I actively choose the safety of the medicated state of mind because of the actual things I can accomplish. For example, if I had had this idea for blogging my bipolar disorder, while high on mania, I would likely never actually begun it. Or if I had, I would have gotten so engrossed in the minutiae of its design that very little content would have arisen.

Instead, in doing so - medicated, I have at least begun putting real content into the cargo of this blog. I can imagine that, for the most part, this content will be fairly literate and directed, even as relatively chain-of-thought as it already is. It is tempting, though, to de-medicate for short "spells" to try and include some of the more esoteric states of mind that I have realized before. The reason I am not willing to de-medicate is that I don't wish to actually endanger my overall enduring sanity. I have pacted with myself that a third hospitalization is like my third strike. I'm out, then. Whatever that means. I guess, though, that I should also consider that I will get a chance at three more "strikes" next time I take the plate. The hardest part about all that analogy is the part where I take the field. If I don't make the outs, the scores just keep rolling and rolling. That's the hard part to endure.

Being at the plate is an actual embodiment of the definition of "life." I just feel so alive it's incredible. No real need for drugs at all because they couldn't touch the chemical forays my mind is producing, anyway. Stimuli are pronounced with such clarity that I feel limned with just a little part of God's vision. It seems that food tastes better (when I feel like eating), and that sex feels better (and I'm randy 24/7); it even feels like I can differentiate between the various particles dancing with the molecules in water. Nothing in the world equals the experience of the manic state. Except, perhaps, free-falling in a skydive (which I've been feeling the need to do again someday soon).

Then, if I'm "fortunate," as I have been, I get caught and re-tethered to the common struggles of reality by loved ones and family. Kicking and screaming, I plummet back to the stadium to take the field. Then it's run, run, run to make the outs while the flame inside me subsides. Funny thing is that, without the flame, the biggest, non-specific motivator available to me is put on a shelf and locked away in the oubliette of a chemical closet that everyone around me hopes will never be opened again. As the bard said (I think), "Therein lies the rub."

I think that's about all the blood I can squeeze out of my rock today. Thanks for reading. Namaste.

To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds

Introduction

2004-04-18T16:07:00.000-04:00

Comments/Correspondence to:
sunfoof
(C) MMIV

Jimi Hendrix once sang, "Manic depression's a frustrating mess." True, so true. "What a long, strange trip it's been," was given to us by the Grandfathers of psychedelic rock, the Grateful Dead. I think that one of the best ways for myself to come to grips with this disease, in my life, is to talk about the frustrations I've encountered along the way. My own journey has, honestly, been pretty strange at times, and some of it will be sort of hard to put into words. But I'll give it the ol' college try.

I choose to put this content in its own blog because it will generally be more focused. My motivations are both altruistic and self-serving, a fair combination. I hope to expunge some of my personal griefs as I go. I also hope to ellicit an understanding for the reader that might, someday, help to create a more forgiving environment for we bipolar clients. I know, even now, that I am putting faith in a public atmosphere that I do not inherently trust because my perceptions of public understanding of Bipolar Disorder are not too favorable. These perceptions are a product of my own experiences as well as, admittedly, my own self-doubts and misgivings.

Another reason I choose to present this blog is that I found an interesting site, the Mental Health Sanctuary. I noted that MHS lists some blogs for other disorders, but that there were none listed yet for Bipolar Disorder. So, another of my double-barreled motives for this blog is to be accepted and listed at that gateway of mental health information. By doing so, I feel that I will be writing about what I know and, concurrently, adding a conduit to other bipolar clients. I want to reach out to other bipolars, too, and learn from them by sharing our realities with each other. In doing so, I acknowledge my dream-goal of laying the groundwork for an expositor, a compendium if you will, of creative bipolar content.

I am initiating Butterflies & Bruises primarily in the first-person, narrative perspective. Again, that's what I know. But I will probably include other types of referenced content, as well. I am leaving the door open to other bipolar clients. I sincerely hope that I generate some interest among us that will yield other contributing authors of any ilk, providing that the correspondent is bipolar, and I welcome any communication with interested parties. Initial contact will be routed through sunfoof, as noted above. Unfortunately, this email service is a spam-handler and will possibly yield the correspondent a message regarding my financial willingness to wade through spam. If you are trying to contact me through sunfoof, just include Butterflies & Bruises, or bipolar blog, or something similar in the Subject: line so that I will recognize it as a non-spam email. I will then respond to the Reply address like a normal email. Thanks in advance for understanding; I'm trying to keep my home email account as clean as possible.

That's about all, I suppose, for now. I wanted to give you readers an idea of what I'm trying to do with this blog. I hope to develop this project into an open, multi-contributor blog regarding Bipolar Disorder, specifically as designed and written by we bipolar clients. Have a good day, and think about something useful or worthwhile. Thanks for reading. Namaste.

To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds