Will

Comments/Correspondence to:
sunfoof
(C) MMIV

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The easiest lesson about Will is the hardest to learn because it is another lesson that cannot be taught. In no uncertain terms, my own Will has been the root of my pending demise since the day I first believed in it. Do not mistake my words, it is not wrong for me to believe in my own Will. It is wrong to believe that my Will prevails over the environment I exist in. Any thought like that requires the essential, "Mwahahaha," insane laugh of utter dominion behind it.

I am slowly learning how to turn out my Will. I'm not so much turning it out against itself, rather turning it out to the light of Reason. I guess what I mean is, I'm sharing some of these (formerly) inner thoughts and beliefs with other positively-oriented people around me. My most recent experiences are showing me that people other than my Mom do care about me. The ironic thing is, they actually choose to care about me! Out of all the other things these people could care about, and they choose to care about me. When did I become somebody worth caring about?

Apparently, I've been worthy of this caring treatment my whole life, I was just refusing to be aware of it. Chalk it up to stubborness, whatever, I just cannot recall a time in the past 20 years when I actually recognized I was truly worth it. Again, don't get me wrong. There have been times when I 've imagined that I was "care-able". [Ed.- I didn't want to take the time to find a word that meant "care-able".] But I've already admitted to the fallibility of my imagination.

I think what might have happened, at least for me, was that by thinking so lowly of myself I began to rely more and more on this shaky belief in my prevalence of Will. By doing this, I weakened my spiritual contact with the Universal Will which actually knows what is best for me. It's not that the UW stopped trying to get its message across, it's just that my own Will had sent up a wall of interference so it couldn't get through with as much signal. So I was hearing less of the UW's plans for me. And boyoboy did I ever lead myself astray!

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that everything's perfect now. I am still struggling to let go of my Will. I realize that's normal, especially for very willful people, but it's also very frustrating. Heck, I didn't know that I was so willful. It almost doesn't seem to add up: low self-esteem and high willpower. It definitely didn't add up in my favor most of the time. The high, misguided energy of low self-esteem can sure send well-intentioned willpower way off course.

More and more, I am beginning to see tendrils of hope, like new growth in a garden in the Spring. I am being shown that by lowering my resistance to the UW, I can have faith that the UW's plans for me are to my benefit, for my highest good. Though I still struggle with it today, I don't think I'm a freak for doing so. I realize that many people struggle with their Will versus UW. I realize that I'm not as absolutely unique as I thought. You don't realize how comforting that is.

Thanks for reading. Namaste.

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To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds