Acceptance

Comments/Correspondence to:
sunfoof
(C) MMIV

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I'm really struggling with this right now. I find it very difficult to accept who I am and where I'm at in terms of learning how to be the best me I can be. I know I can't ask, "Why," because there are too many myriad answers to this question. I do want to know what it is that I'm stuck on. It seems like some people have no problem with this concept of acceptance. I find envy when I think of that. I'm in a dangerous spot in my thinking because I'm teetering on the brink of a downward spiral.

Since about 9:00 am I thought I was in a good place in my learning to be me. By 11:00 pm I was made fully aware that I'm not exactly where someone I care for deeply perceives I can be. I want to be there so badly it hurts. And it hurts to be reminded of how much farther I must go to be there. I know there's a better Me deep down inside, but I spent many years covering that Me up. I can be aware that it'll take time to uncover that Me, but it doens't change the fact that I want to be that better Me right now.

That's the essence of acceptance, maybe. I say maybe because I'm finding out that I really don't know jack about the world I live in. I feel so far behind. Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I'll never catch up. It makes me want to feel like it's not even worth trying. It makes me want to give up. But I've come too far to give up now. But then again, what's it worth? I made so much of what so many people who care about me say is progress, then receive a supposedly well-intended appraisal of my ability to be a caring friend. Now I question whether I've really made any progress at all.

Now, I know that my friend didn't mean for all of these thoughts to spawn this cascade into the depths of my self-pity. But for right now, that's exactly how I feel. Goddamnit! All I've done for the last 20 years is to let people down, to let myself down. I thought that I was really making headway with progressing from those awful, destructive behaviors. Now, I don't know. After talking I can't shake this feeling of failure. I will pray on it and sleep on it. I will surrender these feelings of doom and gloom to my Higher Power. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it.

Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now.

I need Your Love because I'm not loving myself right now. I am afraid. I didn't mean to hurt anybody, I really didn't. I feel like I'm doing the best I can. But I cannot handle feeling like this right now. I do not want to lose what I have. I do not want to lose myself again. I know she didn't mean it to hurt me like this but I can't stop crying. Please take my pain away...I don't know what to do and I hurt so badly. I didn't mean to let her down, I really didn't. God, I'm trying. It's not that I don't care. Maybe I cared too much.

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To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds