Acceptance

Comments/Correspondence to:
sunfoof
(C) MMIV

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I'm really struggling with this right now. I find it very difficult to accept who I am and where I'm at in terms of learning how to be the best me I can be. I know I can't ask, "Why," because there are too many myriad answers to this question. I do want to know what it is that I'm stuck on. It seems like some people have no problem with this concept of acceptance. I find envy when I think of that. I'm in a dangerous spot in my thinking because I'm teetering on the brink of a downward spiral.

Since about 9:00 am I thought I was in a good place in my learning to be me. By 11:00 pm I was made fully aware that I'm not exactly where someone I care for deeply perceives I can be. I want to be there so badly it hurts. And it hurts to be reminded of how much farther I must go to be there. I know there's a better Me deep down inside, but I spent many years covering that Me up. I can be aware that it'll take time to uncover that Me, but it doens't change the fact that I want to be that better Me right now.

That's the essence of acceptance, maybe. I say maybe because I'm finding out that I really don't know jack about the world I live in. I feel so far behind. Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I'll never catch up. It makes me want to feel like it's not even worth trying. It makes me want to give up. But I've come too far to give up now. But then again, what's it worth? I made so much of what so many people who care about me say is progress, then receive a supposedly well-intended appraisal of my ability to be a caring friend. Now I question whether I've really made any progress at all.

Now, I know that my friend didn't mean for all of these thoughts to spawn this cascade into the depths of my self-pity. But for right now, that's exactly how I feel. Goddamnit! All I've done for the last 20 years is to let people down, to let myself down. I thought that I was really making headway with progressing from those awful, destructive behaviors. Now, I don't know. After talking I can't shake this feeling of failure. I will pray on it and sleep on it. I will surrender these feelings of doom and gloom to my Higher Power. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle it.

Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now. Please, God, take it from me right now.

I need Your Love because I'm not loving myself right now. I am afraid. I didn't mean to hurt anybody, I really didn't. I feel like I'm doing the best I can. But I cannot handle feeling like this right now. I do not want to lose what I have. I do not want to lose myself again. I know she didn't mean it to hurt me like this but I can't stop crying. Please take my pain away...I don't know what to do and I hurt so badly. I didn't mean to let her down, I really didn't. God, I'm trying. It's not that I don't care. Maybe I cared too much.

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To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds

Will

Comments/Correspondence to:
sunfoof
(C) MMIV

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The easiest lesson about Will is the hardest to learn because it is another lesson that cannot be taught. In no uncertain terms, my own Will has been the root of my pending demise since the day I first believed in it. Do not mistake my words, it is not wrong for me to believe in my own Will. It is wrong to believe that my Will prevails over the environment I exist in. Any thought like that requires the essential, "Mwahahaha," insane laugh of utter dominion behind it.

I am slowly learning how to turn out my Will. I'm not so much turning it out against itself, rather turning it out to the light of Reason. I guess what I mean is, I'm sharing some of these (formerly) inner thoughts and beliefs with other positively-oriented people around me. My most recent experiences are showing me that people other than my Mom do care about me. The ironic thing is, they actually choose to care about me! Out of all the other things these people could care about, and they choose to care about me. When did I become somebody worth caring about?

Apparently, I've been worthy of this caring treatment my whole life, I was just refusing to be aware of it. Chalk it up to stubborness, whatever, I just cannot recall a time in the past 20 years when I actually recognized I was truly worth it. Again, don't get me wrong. There have been times when I 've imagined that I was "care-able". [Ed.- I didn't want to take the time to find a word that meant "care-able".] But I've already admitted to the fallibility of my imagination.

I think what might have happened, at least for me, was that by thinking so lowly of myself I began to rely more and more on this shaky belief in my prevalence of Will. By doing this, I weakened my spiritual contact with the Universal Will which actually knows what is best for me. It's not that the UW stopped trying to get its message across, it's just that my own Will had sent up a wall of interference so it couldn't get through with as much signal. So I was hearing less of the UW's plans for me. And boyoboy did I ever lead myself astray!

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that everything's perfect now. I am still struggling to let go of my Will. I realize that's normal, especially for very willful people, but it's also very frustrating. Heck, I didn't know that I was so willful. It almost doesn't seem to add up: low self-esteem and high willpower. It definitely didn't add up in my favor most of the time. The high, misguided energy of low self-esteem can sure send well-intentioned willpower way off course.

More and more, I am beginning to see tendrils of hope, like new growth in a garden in the Spring. I am being shown that by lowering my resistance to the UW, I can have faith that the UW's plans for me are to my benefit, for my highest good. Though I still struggle with it today, I don't think I'm a freak for doing so. I realize that many people struggle with their Will versus UW. I realize that I'm not as absolutely unique as I thought. You don't realize how comforting that is.

Thanks for reading. Namaste.

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To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds